4 lies that destroy your confidence (and how to avoid them)

Last week, I had coffee with my friend Maya. She has been designing products for over 10 years. During our chat, she told me something very honest. She said, "When I see the others on my team sharing their ideas with so much confidence, I feel like there must be something wrong with me."

This really surprised me. You see, I know Maya as someone who has done great work. Her clients love what she does. She has led many projects that turned out really well.

This made me think about all the skilled people I know who don't feel confident about themselves. It makes me sad to see talented people holding back, while others - even those with less skill and experience - push forward with confidence.

We've all seen it:

• The colleague who confidently presents their work, despite obvious flaws.
• The colleague who speaks up in every meeting, even with half-baked ideas.
• The team member who volunteers for high-profile projects without hesitation.

Maya and I had a good talk about this. We found out something important. It's not about being born confident. It's not about your personality either. What holds us back are the stories we tell ourselves - stories that make us feel like we're not good enough.

I know how this feels. I've been there myself. But I found ways to feel better and more sure of myself. In this newsletter, I want to share 4 stories that many of us, especially women, tell ourselves. These stories hold us back. I'll show you how we can change them.

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Lie #1: "Confidence must be in my DNA"

This lie feels true because we see others who seem naturally confident and assume they were born that way. But here's the reality: Confidence is a skill, not a trait.

The real issue is:

• You're treating confidence as something you either have or don't
• You're comparing your internal doubts to others' external behaviour
• You're waiting to "feel" confident before acting

When I first started working, I struggled to speak up in meetings. So I started small - sharing my views in our weekly team meetings with 4-5 friendly faces. Then I expanded it to asking questions in project meetings. Each time I felt a little braver. Soon I was giving presentations to bigger groups at my company. After years of practice and learning to believe in myself, I gave a workshop to over 100 wonderful women at the UN! From being afraid to speak up, to teaching others. That's how far we can come when we take those small steps forward.

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Lie #2: "Everyone else knows what they're doing"

This way of thinking is very harmful. It makes you feel alone and stressed out. You might think "If I ask questions, people will think I am not competent." But that's not true at all.

The truth is:

• Most people are figuring things out as they go
• Your questions often voice what others are thinking
• Experience doesn't always equal expertise

I know an engineering team lead who wasn't afraid to ask simple questions during his team meetings. These questions helped everyone understand things better. Because he was brave enough to ask questions, his team started seeing him as a wise leader who helps others learn.

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Lie #3: "I need more time to get better"

Here's the thing: Sometimes we tell ourselves we need to be perfect before we start something new. We say things like "I'll do it when I'm better at it" or "I need more practice first." But that's just our fear talking. It stops us from trying new things. It keeps us stuck, always getting ready but never actually doing anything.

The real problem:

• You're waiting to be "ready" (hint: you'll never feel 100% ready)
• You're comparing your beginning to others' middle
• You're letting past experiences define your future potential

Think about this: Everyone who is good at their job today had to start somewhere. Even the best people you look up to were beginners once. They didn't sit around waiting to feel ready. Instead, they learned by doing things, even when they weren't sure. That's how they got better - by taking small steps forward, one day at a time.

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Lie #4: "Caring too much about what others think"

Sometimes we worry so much about what other people think of us. We try to make everyone happy. But when we do this, we forget about what makes us happy. This stops us from doing things we really want to do.

The impact:

• You make decisions based on avoiding judgment rather than pursuing growth
• You miss opportunities because you're focused on potential criticism
• You let others' opinions overshadow your own wisdom

One of my clients was scared to start her own business. She worried what people would think. But she decided to be brave and try anyway. Now, 6 months later, her business is doing well! And the best part? Other people saw her success and felt inspired to follow their own dreams too.

Your confidence isn't determined by your circumstances—it's shaped by what you believe about yourself.

Now, I have a question for you. Which one of these four lies do you tell yourself the most? Take a moment to think about it.

And here's another question: Which lie would you like to work on changing this week? Just pick one small step you can take.